Everything Wrong With Twilight
by actressen
Summary: Warning: there be bashing and ranting ahead. Rated for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

_**Everything Wrong with the Train Wreck Called "Twilight"**_

**A/N**: I'm in a really bad mood so I'm going to take it out on one of the worst books written which became some of the worst movies ever made.

Edward is a pedophile.

Bella is both a masochist into necrophilia, while narrowly avoiding bestiality.

All four books could be turned into a fifteen page short story and no one would miss anything.

Fangirls. Have you met them?

Over-merchandising. Perfume? Bed sheets? Makeup? Candy hearts? Band-aids? Seriously?

Read it if you _must_, but don't you dare call it quality literature. "Mindless garbage" it a bit more suited.

Just because the books are large and use a lot of adjectives does NOT mean they are any decent.

Never again can the words "twilight", "vampire", "werewolf", or "sparkle" be used in the same way again.

"What's your cat's name?" "Bella." "Like Twilight?" "For fuck's sake, no!"

It lead to a slew of other crappy books. Have you looked at the teen section of a bookstore recently? They should rename it the "Vampire/Werewolf-Romance-with-a-Mary-Sue" section.

Apparently, a relationship based on how one smells and the other looks can last for all eternity. Good luck with that.

Not to mention the fact that once she became a vampire, Bella lost her smell. So, basically, Edward has no real attraction to Bella.

Mary-Sue has a new name. It's Bella.

What the f**k is wrong with Bella's parents?

When forty year old mothers are fantasizing over a seventeen year old fictional character, you know there is something **seriously **wrong.

Twilight is the bubonic plague of the rainforest. It's also notorious among brain cells.

If you took out all the descriptions of Edward, all the books would be novellas.

If you took out all the descriptions of Bella, the books wouldn't really change any.

Show, don't tell. Apparently Meyer failed English 1 in high school.

Plot complexity. These books are lacking it.

The plot is well hidden. See if you can find it.

If the books didn't make you give up on humanity, the movies (and Kristen Stewart), will.

It got rejected by 14 publishing companies before it got excepted. There is a reason for this- 14 publishing companies were in their right minds.

If all the females in the human race are waiting for their "Edward", our species will soon be facing extinction.

I can only compliment Meyer for one thing: she can sure write a lot without saying a damn thing.

Jacob's so poor he doesn't own a damn shirt.

"Vampire" now brings to mind "Twilight". Bram Stoker is rolling in his grave.

This book advocates teen marriage and teen pregnancy. Yay.

Jacob and Renesmee. Pedophilia again. Plus bestiality. Joy.

What kind of a name is Renesmee?

Just ask any person named "Edward", "Bella", "Jacob", "Cullen", "Swan" or "Black". At least those who haven't changed their names yet.

The fact that some Twilight fans think Edward is real.

The fact that this list will probably get at least one violent review because the fans are so cult-ish.

If Edward got any more possessive he would keep Bella in a box in his closet (which, by the way, he has yet to come out of)

The fact that this is the 35th thing I have written in this list.


	2. Extra!

**More Things Wrong With Twilight**

Possessiveness is not "hot" or "romantic". It's sexist.

The plot has more holes than Swiss cheese. Google it. I'm not kidding.

If Edward has no pulse, and no blood, how could he possibly get an erection?

If vampires cease to grow completely, then their cells no longer go through mitosis. Even assuming that none of their existing cells die, there is no way Edward would be able to produce semen.

Even if Edward did go out in the sun in New Moon, no one would know he was a vampire, because vampires die in the sun, not sparkle. They would just think he got lost on his way to a Gay Pride Parade.

It takes place in high school, but you never hear about Bella's grades, nor do you ever see her studying. Apparently though, she does well in school. Somehow.

Having vampires drink animal blood is cheating. And a convenient way to keep Edward from having a flaw (gasp!).

Stephenie Meyer can't take criticism, so don't expect her writing to get any better.

Apparently, her parents can't spell either. "Stephenie". Really? Were they trying to be unique or some ridiculous thing or did they just fail elementary school? For the record, spell-check agrees with me.

Apparently Twilight is better than The Princess Bride because, and I quote, "Buttercup is an idiot and it doesn't bother anyone, all that matters is that she's beautiful". Okay. Even if we ignore the fact that Buttercup hated her beauty, and Wesley loved her for her personality, how the fuck does that explain Bella, hmm? Because we all know Edward fell in love with that delightful personality of hers. And Bella is so intelligent it takes her over two hundred pages it figure out Edward is a vampire.

Apparently, Romeo and Juliet were "idiots", because they fell in love when they "didn't know each other very well". Gee, I wonder why that sounds familiar.

Not even Robert Pattinson likes the book.

This girl is awesome. She asked Meyer, at a book signing, wondering "how she could write such an anti-feminist main character and if she wasn't ashamed of herself for letting young girls read her misogynist works." Meyer said she didn't understand the question, and promptly ignored it.

The author. I don't even know where to begin.

Because Stephenie Meyer doesn't do critisim, she doesn't do editing either. Take this example from page 3 of Twilight- _"My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It __**was**__ seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I __**was**__ wearing my favorite shirt-sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I __**was**__ wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item __**was**__ a parka."_. Once I used "was" that many times on a draft of a one-page English essay. My **English 1** teacher gave me a B for that. **English 1**!

Countless other grammar errors. Just google it.

We loose hair on a daily basis. If the vampires don't regenerate new cells, their hair doesn't grow. Thusly, Edward should, technically, be bald.

Jacob can't get with Bella, so he goes for her daughter. No, of course that's not strange.

Clouds don't block UV rays. Apparently, though, they do in Forks.

Carlisle is a vampire who, by choice, works at a hospital where he is constantly surrounded by blood. In Meyer's head, this makes perfect sense.

Edward said he was interested in Bella because he couldn't read her mind. I have a new theory. He could, but it was silent because NOTHING GOES ON UP THERE.

I saw this online. Bella Swan = B.S. So true. In so many ways.

"Jacob" means supplanter. "Bella" means pretty. Edward means "wealthy guardian". Real creative.

The fact that I will be posting more Twilight fails within the next week and I still have countless other observations to make.


	3. But wait! There's more!

**Even More Things Wrong With Twilight**

**A/N: **But wait! There's more! (Insert cheesy salesman grin)

Do Bella and Edward ever have a conversation with any substance? At all?

Apparently, Bella didn't attract anyone in Phoenix, but the second she steps foot in Forks she's got guys wanting to date her like she's f**king Megan Fox. Either A) All the girls in Forks look like trolls or B) Stephenie Meyer is an idiot.

If girls look up to Twilight and follow the "advice" the book gives, expect alarmingly high suicide rates. Because if girls jump of cliffs every time their boyfriend leaves them, you can bet there will rarely ever be a Jacob to save them.

A girl gets to know two guys, and one is a werewolf and the other is a vampire. Someone failed Statistics.

One of the most important laws of physics: matter cannot disappear, nor can it generate spontaneously, ergo, werewolves would have to be the same size in wolf form as they are in human form. Stephenie Meyer, you fail at science.

Apparently, Rosalie's family wasn't affected by the depression because her father worked for a bank. One of the major factors in the depression was that THE BANKS FAILED. Stephenie Meyer, you fail at History.

So far we've established that Meyer knows nothing about Literature, Grammar, the English language, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Logic, Ethics, Math or History. So basically, she failed high school. Maybe even middle school.

Is there any wholesome message that can be taken from Twilight? Aesop must have a dartboard with Stephenie Meyer's face on it in heaven (or wherever you go after you die)

Just when gender equality was starting to be somewhat established, Twilight threw us back to the 50s. Thanks, ladies.

I sat through the whole book just hoping that either Bella or Edward would die. Or get AIDS. Or cancer. Or something.

If Edward was dying from influenza, what happened to the viruses inhabiting his cells? Unless vampire venom kills viruses, which it probably doesn't unless it kills human cells too, Edward should either A) not exist, as his cells would have been overrun by viruses and rendered useless or B) Be a walking influenza virus which should be considered an international health threat and neutralized immediately (RIP Edward, I certainly won't miss you).

The church attacked Harry Potter because it involved sorcery, but I have heard little about the church attacking Twilight even though it contains no morals, more swears and violence, underage sex, supernatural creatures (with superpowers), and teen pregnancy. Skewed much?

The covers are supposed to be all brooding and deep, but they have absolutely no relationship to the actual story (or lack thereof).

The covers completely killed the black, white, and red color palate.

Carlisle may be a doctor, and he may have been working for ages and ages, but considering vampires still have to pay bills and Carlisle is the only one who works, they shouldn't be living like billionaires. Doctors don't make that much- I should know, my father is one.

How do the Cullens get fake licenses that actually work? I mean, in order to enroll in a public school, you need birth certificates. How do they fake all those documents successfully- dozens and dozens of times?

People can make conspiracies out of nothing nowadays. Wouldn't they have noticed that one really strange family with the color-changing eyes?

If all the Cullen kids pretend they're siblings, then aren't all their relationships incestual (or at least quasi-incestual)?

The movies are a failed attempt at drama using a cheap camera filter and terrible actors who have the same energy level as a comatose person.

When my friends dragged me along to see the first Twilight movie (I put my foot down after that), I remember all the fangirls awing at the "Romantic" parts. And their dates groaning as if they were in literal physical pain. I'm a girl, but I was groaning with them. At the end of the movie, one guy literally proclaimed, "Thank god it's over!". My sentiments exactly, fellow Twihater.

If you thought the first three books were bad, forget about the fourth. My mother enjoyed the first three Twilight movies (I was horrified), so then decided to read the 4th book. She got through two hundred pages before throwing in the towel, telling me, "It was like she wrote it on LSD." I couldn't agree more. In fact, if Meyer wasn't on LSD, the allusion that it was is by far the most skilled thing Meyer has ever done as a writer.

In some ways, I think "My Immortal" is better. At least no one took that seriously. Or published it. (And if you don't know the "My Immortal" I'm referring to, leave this website immediately. You don't deserve fan fiction without submitting yourself to that torture first.)

Meyer, please take a pin to your head. It needs some serious deflating if you wish to ever fit through a doorway.


End file.
